On Saturday, your mother and I attended a childbirth education class at St. Vincent's hospital in Worcester. If all goes according to plan, this is the hospital in which you will enter the world. We learned about the birthing process and got a tour of the hospital including the labor and delivery rooms and the postpartum rooms. As it turns out, there is so much that we don't know about bringing a baby into the world.
At the start of the day, our instructor, Katniss Everdeen (on sabbatical from "The Hunger Games") welcomed us and other expectant couples into a conference room at St. V's. Despite being wonderful and knowledgeable, I can't remember the instructor's name but I think she looked like Jennifer Lawrence in the aforementioned film. Your mom disagrees but I am the one writing the blog so...Katniss started off the seven hour class with a brief introduction about her qualifications while unintentionally scaring the crap out of the mothers by violently stuffing a baby doll into a knitted uterus (later used for demonstration). While the mother's faces went white, I thought to myself, "Wow, wool is a very durable material". My thoughts on wool were interrupted however and the fathers were soon to join the mothers in terms of sheer terror when we enjoyed a lovely video.
 |
| First, you sever the cervix with a well placed arrow... |
I do not remember the title of this video so I will call it "Giving Birth is Gross". The video highlighted several mothers who consented to have their delivery processes filmed including a woman who ended up completely naked by the end of the delivery process. The instructor quickly explained that you did not have to appear as if you were one half of a porno to give birth but that different people try different things. I suspect that your mother will remain as clothed as possible during the delivery process. Other disgusting topics covered by the video were "Hey, look at this big, wet bag of red slop. LOOK AT IT! It's the placenta", "Did you hear that contractions hurt? Well, they don't hurt. THEY REALLY, REALLY HURT!" and "Fathers who look stoic but are seconds from passing out". It was very educational.
 |
| This is a placenta. Some parents eat this after their child's birth. Yes, this is the world in which you now live and no, you can't go back in the womb. |
After the video came time for a tour, which was also educational but far less disgusting. We saw the rooms where babies are delivered, the rooms where moms get to recover and spend time with their little bundles of joy, and the room where little boys like you will get your private parts attacked with a knife as one of the first activities in life. Your Auntie Stef's hospital room in Holyoke was the size of a Burger King while the St. V's rooms are considerably smaller so your mom was a little jealous but overall happy with the accommodations.
 |
| Auntie Stef's hospital room |
We then enjoyed some lunch in the hospital cafeteria and returned to the conference room for the second half of the day. During the second half, we were treated to an overview of the various items used for soothing the private parts of moms after delivery such as witch hazel, little baths for your bum and some of the sexiest (read: unsexiest) underwear you've ever seen. Then came another video called "If you thought the first video was gross, enjoy this video about C-sections". Here we were treated to the precise details of how a cesarean section is performed (this is where the baby is surgically removed from the mother's stomach). It was truly disgusting.
 |
| As it turns out, "C" is not just for "cookie" |
We ended the day with some massage and breathing techniques that I hope your mother and I will be able to put to good use in helping make her more comfortable and get you into the world quickly and comfortably. Supposedly first pregnancies aren't particularly quick affairs but fingers crossed!
The takeaway from this, I'm sure you'll find, is that I was pretty grossed out by the whole process. However, by the end of the day, I felt pretty good about it and realized that I will spring into action to be there for your mom when she needs me so we're all going to get through this, disgusting or not! Your mother is a very strong woman mentally so I have no doubt that she will impress the hell out of me on the day you arrive and that your screams will be the sweetest thing we've ever heard.
Love as always,
Dad
No comments:
Post a Comment